Solid Game

BY Amour Elliott-Setter

If there is any advice I can give women this new year it would be to totally trust your intuition! I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times before, but do you really pay any heed when your inner voice is talking?

We all have intuition. We were born with it. Its our natural self-defence sense, as it were. There are many situations and circumstances that will cause our intuition to be supressed in society, much to our own detriment. If we have come from abusive homes then although our intuition will be quite strong, we may have lost our trust in our own abilities to hear the voice of intuition. If we were raised in very strict homes or boarding schools we may also have learned to ignore our inner voices in certain circumstances. Although one cannot really define in words exactly what your inner voice or intuition sounds like, it can best be described as an inner voice that shouts at you or repeats itself a great deal in certain situations. If you learn to listen to this inner voice you will grow to trust it and your own judgement in time. Many times my intuition has saved my very life or prevented me from getting into dangerous situations. In the past I have also ignored my intuition, especially with relationships. Needless to say those were the relationships that never panned out or ended up being very unhappy ones. How is it that some highly intelligent women who hold high positions in corporate business and who on a daily basis make power-driven executive decisions cannot tell a rat from a gentleman in a social environment? A lot of that has to do with social conditioning and the way she has seen her own parents interact with one another over the years. The secret is to be able to recognise your intuitive voice in romantic relationships as well as other areas. But very often we ignore this inner voice because we are so taken with the other person, that we literally cannot see the wood for the trees. Love really is blind!

The best way to protect your heart is to tread with extreme caution. Accept the fact that women can be easily bowled over by a charming guy. If he’s saying the right words that press the right buttons, you can easily fall into a trap. Especially if you find yourself recently single or in a vulnerable space in your life. Obviously not all guys out there are baddies! But it certainly is better to be safe than sorry. Especially where your heart is concerned. Have you ever wondered why so many women constantly attract the same type of guys, ie heavy drinkers, drug addicts, abusive men? Over and over again? Its a pattern from which there is often no escape, until you learn to take out the mirror and work on yourself. Until you can confront the pattern and recognise why you keep attracting the bad guys. I covered the subject briefly in one of my other articles, where I pointed out what co-dependency is. If you come from an abusive, dysfunctional home where there was substance abuse by one or both of your parents or care-givers, chances are you will have some of the symptoms of co-dependency. When this is your background then it stands to reason that it becomes very difficult for you to recognise what a healthy relationship looks like. So you tend to repeat your childhood pattern by attracting that which you know, ie you constantly become involved with drug addicts, alcoholics, abusive men, etc. While I am not qualified to elaborate on this subject, you would do well to join a support group that specialises in dealing with these sort of problems. Al Anon and Coda are two such support groups which I would recommend to co-dependent women. They are focused on helping people to rebuild their self-esteem and focus on their own personal growth.

Even though you may be a co-dependent, your inner voice will still warn you in the beginning of a potential relationship. You will either be uncomfortable with certain things (maybe you just can’t put your finger on it) or that little inner voice will be shouting “Run! Run!” loud and clear. But you may well ignore this voice because you perhaps feel you are being too judgemental, or critical. Your upbringing may have taught you to be polite and not voice your concerns, in which case it will be more difficult for you to heed that inner voice. Its time to break free from those old bondages that have held you back from becoming everything you’ve always wanted to be. I’m sharing a few tips here that will help you on your way to learning how to trust your gut feelings.

1. If ANYTHING bothers you about a guy, talk it over with a good friend or counsellor.
2. Do not allow yourself to be talked into anything you wouldn’t normally do, ie lend him money, lend him your car, invite him in on the first date, etc. Give him the opportunity to gain your trust OVER TIME. The more time you spend with him, the better you will get to know him. If he’s pushy and insists you trust him straight away, RUN A MILE!
3. If the guy seems keen to dive into a relationship on the first date, be careful! Clearly he has an empty space that needs to be filled by a girlfriend rather urgently. Maybe he’s looking for a caretaker? Don’t be the caretaker. Take your time, suss him out and only commit to a relationship when you’ve got to know him and you feel comfortable.
4. Be wary of losing yourself and your boundaries with a man. It is very easy to become fused with someone very quickly. You start to lose your identity and your whole life seems to focus around this person. Take your distance and keep your own private space, your own private activities and your own private friends. His friends do not automatically become yours and visa versa! Learn how to keep healthy boundaries.
5. If the guy is getting drunk or rat-faced high on the first few dates, RUN A MILE! He’s an addict. And you will only serve to be the caretaker. Know that things will not change. You have been warned.
6. If the guys puts no effort into seeing you or if you are the one going over to visit him all the time, be very wary. The terms of the relationship will always be his to dictate. This will never be a balanced relationship.
7. If you suspect he’s been lying to you about something, trust your instincts. Approach him and give him the opportunity to rectify your suspicions. If you are still not convinced, then you need to question what you are doing in this relationship.
8. Practise listening to your intuition in small ways, every day. That way you will build up your own self-confidence when it comes to trusting yourself.
9. Become street-wise. Learn how crooks and con-artists operate. That way you will see the train coming long before it hits you. Do not trust strangers, no matter who they claim to be. If someone approaches you, either on the street or in a bar and something about them makes you feel uncomfortable, turn away. Rather risk being called a rude bitch than being found a dead bitch! Or being taken for a ride by a charming con-artist!

As you practise listening to your inner voice you will find that you become better at recognising it and you will also become more confident. Men should always respect your personal boundaries and your body space. No means no. If he offers you a drink and you say no, but he keeps insisting, turn away. If he gets too familiar with you too soon, turn away. You have to consider your own safety at all times because nobody else is going to consider it for you.

Amour Elliott-Setter
AUTHOR

HER DIARY:
9 May 2009 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, so I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself – he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply; He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love – but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep – I think he’s planning to leave me – maybe he’s found someone else.

I found this floating around facebook. I thought it was hilarious!

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in R20, even though it’s only for R32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay R2 for a R1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay R1 for a R2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. What does this mean? If you can stimulate her nose with a scent all your own, it’s like writing your name on that little tiny part of her brain!

I’m often asked what it is I’m wearing, true story. It’s been a great excuse for a woman to start a conversation with me.

My current favourite is the Yardley 442 Classic for men(pictured). It’s not expensive and smells damn good. My other favs are most by Hugo Boss and Lentheric. If you don’t know how to buy cologne or where to start, I’ve compiled a few pointers to help you out. Just cause I’m a bro with your best interests at heart.

You don’t have to fork out thousands to smell like sex on fire. However if you can afford it, go ahead why not.

Cologne reacts to body heat, so the best places to apply are on the wrists and around the chest/neck. My routine is to apply one spray to the left wrist and rub that on the right wrist. Then, I spray once or twice on the chest. I like toe like to put some on the back of the neck to create a scent trail and the back of my ears, perfect for when you lean in to whisper in her ear, kiss on the cheek or hug (this is a gem). In any case, use discretion. You don’t need to let everyone know you’re coming.

Sometimes I screw up and put on a little too much to be honest. When your eyes start watering…yeah it’s too much.

If you’re buying in a store, remember to smell before you buy. Spray onto a provided strip or wrist and continue to smell it occasionally for about 20 minutes until you have a good handle on the cologne. In addition, after you’ve found cologne that you’re fairly serious about buying, make sure to try it on before buying. Every cologne reacts differently with different skin chemistries. You can try on up to four colognes at a time- one on each wrist and one on the inside of each elbow (where your veins are).

Don’t spray cologne onto your clothes. It will not last longer; quite the opposite, actually.

If your bottle of cologne doesn’t have a spray top, put your finger over the top and turn the bottle. Then rub your finger on your chest. Use moderation.

During high school and a few years after, I was known to my friends as the professional single guy. I told them I didn’t have a girlfriend BY CHOICE, a total lie.

I wasn’t a social outcast; I used to get invited to parties etc.

I remember at several occasions when the song below, The Raconteurs – Steady as she goes , would  play someone used to go…”where is Blade ? “ .  as if to say the tune reminded them of me.

The first two  lines of this tune are “ Find yourself a girl and settle down, Live a simple life in a quiet town.” It was a running joke for some time.

Boy how things have changed, or not. My friends still ask “where is Blade?”  when this tune comes on.

The context is different now.

The picture above illustrates me what I mean.
The top half represents my high school days, the bottom represents present day.

My point?

Build it and they will come. – Field of dreams

Find yourself a girl, and settle down.
Live a simple life in a quiet town.
Steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes.

Your friends have a shown a kink in the single life.
You’ve had too much to think, now you need a wife.
Steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)

Well, here we go again,
You’ve found yourself a friend that knows you well.
But no matter what you do,
You’ll always feel as though you tripped and fell.
So steady as she goes.

When you have completed what you thought you had to do,
And your blood’s depleted to the point of stable glue,
Then you’ll get along, then you’ll get along.
Steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)

Well, here we go again,
You’ve found yourself a friend that knows you well.
But no matter what you do,
You’ll always feel as though you tripped and fell.
So steady as she goes.
Steady as she goes.

Settle for a world, neither up or down.
Sell it to the crowd that is gathered round.
Settle for a girl, neither up or down.
Sell it to the crowd that is gathered round.

So steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes… (steady as she goes)

Steady as she goes, are you steady now?
Steady as she goes, are you steady now?
Steady as she goes, are you steady now?
Steady as she goes, are you steady now?
Steady as she goes.

I found the perfect anthem for the month of May.

It’s by the oh’ so old school band ACDC. Their new album is pretty sweet. This tune has to be my favourite out of all of them.

It’s got that classic ACDCesque guitar and of course the classic voice of Brian Johnson.

I can’t put this tune away.

I recently discovered a love for cigars. I’m not a smoker but I think cigars are just pretty fucken cool.

Some famous cigar smokers: Bill Clinton: you might recall what kinda fun he decided to have with his cigar. Funny thing I discovered was that because the White House was designated as a non-smoking area during the Clinton Administration, the President would more often chew a cigar than smoke one…or stuck it up an intern…wherever the pimpin took him.

WINSTON CHURCHILL,  Fidel Castro and George burns were also big cig. puffers.

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”  George F. Burns quotes (American comedian 1896-1996)

I did some research on the net just to make sure I knew WTF was going on. I found this.

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Ok Iphone geeks, you guys are gona LOVE this.

There is a new app for PUAs available. It’s called the The PocketPUA. It’s basically an easy to navigate directory of all the best pickup lines, routines and gambits out there.
I must admit I too carry around my little cheat sheet. It’s normally just a list of the various Jokes and magic tricks. I often forget great jokes and some of my magic tricks.

I think it’s a great little tool for those just starting out and also just a cool thing to have

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You might know JDog from the VH1 show called “The Pickup Artist” starring Mystery. He is Mystery’s wingman and one of the PUA communities most recognised faces. I found this video online of him breaking down what he thinks are the foundations of success with women.

I watched it and I have to agree.

In the PUA community right now not many people are focused on teaching men the tools to gain self-confidence and proper communication. The tools that one would need to cultivate that social intuition.

The pickup lines and routines might aid you in the short term, but unless you address the fundamentals first , you are merely masking your short-comings.

Check this video out.

Yesterday Bmad, The Steed and I went to have dinner with a high school friend of ours, Mr PHD, who’s been living in the UK for the past 5 years.

He’s married and now has a 1 year old son.

We gather there with a whole bunch of his varcity friends. I quickly noticed that I was the only single at the table.

For a very long time Mr PHD has been asking me when I’m going to introduce him to my girlfriend.

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