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The Best Green Lantern Review

Posted by Blade On June - 22 - 2011

I haven’t seen the The Green Lantern yet.

I can across a review, it’s got to be the funniest one I have read so far.


Let me just sum up the whole plot: Despite inexplicably being one of the best fighter pilots around even though he crashes planes by thinking about his dad dying right in the middle of complex aerial maneuvers, Ryan Reynolds is chosen by a green ring powered by harvesting the entire universe’s willpower (Yup.) to join an elite group of alien species protecting the galaxy, making him the first human bestowed with such an honor.


He goes to “train” with them for all of 15 seconds, says “Fuck this, I quit,” returns to Earth for wacky hijinks, has the most shark-jumpingest superhero introduction that the movie never recovers from and then let’s everyone around him know his secret identity as soon as possible.


At that point, the diarrhea monster sets his sights on Earth, so Ryan Reynolds flies back into space and basically strolls right up to the millennia-old, practically omnipotent high council of Guardians who spend the whole movie trying to defeat the planet-eating turd cloud with an entire army of Green Lanterns and says “Hey, I know I just quit all that training earlier and didn’t listen to a fucking word anyone said, but what if I just believe in myself?” And it fucking works. That’s it. That’s the fucking ending.


Ryan Reynolds saves the day because he just believes he’s awesome. Apparently, every single one of the thousands of other alien species wielding the same exact ring have self-esteem issues. Space dads must walk out more than Earth dads, I guess.

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One Response to “The Best Green Lantern Review”

  1. anon MBer says:

    Hi blade, sent you a message on MB, please respond. regarding a forum topic.

    Thanks :)

    BTW, nice site, you should update it more often

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